Today started stressfully. After crashing a party at the Benson Hotel last night, drinking free booze, and dancing with strangers in a banquet room, a palpable hangover swirled in my head and stomach like a whale. It left a terrible aftertaste. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as the one left by the news that I'd have to pay for the airfare to Thailand before being reimbursed. Prices range from $1500 to $2900. After finding that out, I wasn't sure whether it was D.A.D.S. (day after drinking shits) or the stress that was causing my diarrhea.
Probably both.
It was at breakfast that I discovered a rewarding and effectively therapeutic remedy. Other gimmicky solutions exist (fiber, yoga, John Wayne movies), but this one does what the others don't: It irrationally projects your problems onto a completely uninvolved celebrity. I find the perfectly unnecessary personification of my life's transgressions to be Eugene Levy.
Consider this: Is it easier to approach unfortunate dealings with supreme equanimity or to just say, 'Hey! You know, Eugene Levy has made more shit that a misdiagnosed, lactose intolerant baby! Why should I suffer?' I shouldn't. Neither should you. He "starred in" not only the fourth (an egregious offense alone), but the fifth, FIFTH!, American Pie installments. You didn't. This is nothing short of whoring out artistic integrity, a 'selling the soul for Alf pogs,' if you will. It's not your fault the landlord is evicting you, it should be his! Are you convinced yet? I'm telling you, it works.
Did your lover sleep with the Lakers or the entire cast of Rent? Eugene Levy was in Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Lose your house and all your material possessions in a fire? He was in Dumb and Dumberer. Unexpectedly run out of mustard? Bringing Down the House. Bankruptcy? The Man. Cancer? Richie Rich's Christmas List. Not even Macauly Culkin put down the ring and crawled out from the darkness for that one! Levy's talent is paltry and his filmography is bountiful, a tremendously tragic combination. He deserves all the malice we can summit.
That is why I suggest you email him whenever you suffer, no matter the amount. Let him now how much you loathe him for stubbing your toe. Tell him mom being in the hospital is in direct correlation to New York Minute with the Olsen twins. After all, you didn't direct The Martin Short Show. He did. You weren't on SCTV. He was. Retribution won't manifest itself, so start manifesting it yourself.
I already have.
Other acceptable recipients of your misplaced abhorrence are, but are not limited to: Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Eddie Murphy, Dan Akroyd, Martin Lawrence, Steve Martin, and Queen Latifa. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments below.
Eugene Levy's Offical Fansite email: mifbob@hotmail.com.
Eugene Levy's Filmography: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0506405/
