It isn’t difficult for an individual with moderate faculties to describe the weather. A myriad of adjectives lay at our disposal to describe our stratospheric happenings. Almost with vivid clarity, we can close our eyes and imagine the colorless or articulate paint recreating the world inside. So why is it so difficult to describe the political climate? It’s not much different.
Depending on where you live, the weather of former presidents is quite describable. Those having lived through the Clinton era on the West Coast might describe the political weather as having been sunny, for the most part, interrupted only by light showers. The Midwest most likely thought of it as a constant downpour, regardless of robust economic growth, record low unemployment rates, and unprecedented peace meetings. Undoubtedly, according to polls, President Bush is a volatile, albeit imbecilic storm. Hurricane Katrina was more than just the severe mishandlings of the Bush Administration, but also an outrageously felt metaphor for said administration: disastrous, incomprehensible, and leaving damage that will take years to repair.
The American people are juxtaposed faced with a choice between Senator Obama, an inspirational orator with words like a morning fog, and Senator McCain, a stifling and humid windstorm. A morning fog is pleasant in its calm stillness, but unsettles the nerves with opacity. With fog, one can never be sure if what will follow will be a glorious sunny day or bleak darkness. Dangers in harbored by fog are constant in their mysteriousness. A humid windstorm is predictably unbearable and misleading in its direction. It is triggered by perpetual fronts of hot air, hot air that promulgates lies so outrageous and “enhanced truths” so unfathomable, people sweat the possibility of its continuation for a potential eight years.
Senator Obama once inspired me. He opined from the heart and unwaveringly delivered to the people unabashed foresight and a reassurance that politicians still listen. However, he later proved that he was, in fact, a politician: He changed his policy on offshore drilling and has yet to deliver a rebuttal to outlandish McCain ads with the same former fervor. Some say that he is merely playing the game, but who says he has to? He can be the first in decades to define it! If he wants to be the harbinger of change, then he must live it without doubt and refuse to kowtow to those who fear it.
John McCain once inspired me as well. I was awestruck by the combination of his status as a former P.O.W. and his candidly pleasant demeanor. I enjoyed how he verbally stood against the G.O.P. on several issues, including stem cell research, torture, and offshore drilling. Most of that has changed, camouflaging him deeper into the party; he no longer is demanding the cessation of Guantanamo Bay and extraordinary renditions, and he hails offshore drilling as every families’ economic salvation. And why wouldn’t he? He could accurately describe to you the color of the pocket lint of monstrous oil conglomerates. It only takes a brisk walk through the streets of Puerto Vallarta to push you into an air conditioned building with a soft seat and a cold drink, and I find listening to Senator McCain and Governor Palin the same: exhausting.
The question remains: What will the weather be like? That depends. Which do you prefer? Personally, I want another choice. I want the two-party system to offer more than just rain or sun, humidity or dryness, heat or chill. I want snow, where each flake is unique and I can choose between more than just two disagreeable iconic figures. Until then, I am forced to endure uncertainty and lethargy. In doing so, I must chose uncertainty, for I’d rather not know my suffering than willingly subject myself to it.
Today started stressfully. After crashing a party at the Benson Hotel last night, drinking free booze, and dancing with strangers in a banquet room, a palpable hangover swirled in my head and stomach like a whale. It left a terrible aftertaste. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as the one left by the news that I'd have to pay for the airfare to Thailand before being reimbursed. Prices range from $1500 to $2900. After finding that out, I wasn't sure whether it was D.A.D.S. (day after drinking shits) or the stress that was causing my diarrhea.
Probably both.
It was at breakfast that I discovered a rewarding and effectively therapeutic remedy. Other gimmicky solutions exist (fiber, yoga, John Wayne movies), but this one does what the others don't: It irrationally projects your problems onto a completely uninvolved celebrity. I find the perfectly unnecessary personification of my life's transgressions to be Eugene Levy.
Consider this: Is it easier to approach unfortunate dealings with supreme equanimity or to just say, 'Hey! You know, Eugene Levy has made more shit that a misdiagnosed, lactose intolerant baby! Why should I suffer?' I shouldn't. Neither should you. He "starred in" not only the fourth (an egregious offense alone), but the fifth,FIFTH!, American Pie installments. You didn't. This is nothing short of whoring out artistic integrity, a 'selling the soul for Alf pogs,' if you will. It's not your fault the landlord is evicting you, it should be his! Are you convinced yet? I'm telling you, it works.
Did your lover sleep with the Lakers or the entire cast of Rent? Eugene Levy was in Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Lose your house and all your material possessions in a fire? He was in Dumb and Dumberer. Unexpectedly run out of mustard? Bringing Down the House. Bankruptcy? The Man. Cancer? Richie Rich's Christmas List. Not even Macauly Culkin put down the ring and crawled out from the darkness for that one! Levy's talent is paltry and his filmography is bountiful, a tremendously tragic combination. He deserves all the malice we can summit.
That is why I suggest you email him whenever you suffer, no matter the amount. Let him now how much you loathe him for stubbing your toe. Tell him mom being in the hospital is in direct correlation to New York Minute with the Olsen twins. After all, you didn't direct The Martin Short Show. He did. You weren't on SCTV. He was. Retribution won't manifest itself, so start manifesting it yourself.
I already have.
Other acceptable recipients of your misplaced abhorrence are, but are not limited to: Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Eddie Murphy, Dan Akroyd, Martin Lawrence, Steve Martin, and Queen Latifa. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments below.
